When I was in school one of the things we learned was the 5 stages of grief and how each person goes through them differently, so you would think I would be able to step back and analyze myself and what I'm feeling--not true when its you going through it. Of course as any parent I've had my moments of bargaining...I would have traded places in a second for Miles, I think any mom would. Then I seemed to skip straight to acceptance, it happened and no matter how much we hurt its done, I have been working really hard on this stage and trying to use it to help me cope. The one stage I wasn't ready for though was anger..I didn't think I would hit that stage, why I don't know, but I assumed I could just skip over that one. Its been a rough week, had a breakdown the other day when we went to a pool for the first time since I was pregnant with Miles. Last thing I can remember was when I got in Miles didn't like the cooler temperature and shot straight up to the top of my belly, it was so clear I swear I could still feel the knot on my stomach. I couldn't help thinking about how we had all these visions of taking him and Owen swimming next year and how busy and fun it would be with both boys. So we we're sitting on our patio the next day and I happened to catch a seed floating in the air that had caught on our screen.....I started thinking about how complex the world actually is and what all has to happen "just so" to make it all work and all the sudden I got so angry.If all of these things can manage to function like they are suppose to in this huge world why couldn't our baby have formed right and been ok--some stupid flower can make it but we lost Miles. The whole concept made me want to scream.I know it sounds crazy but I promise anyone who goes through this will have moments like this that catch you off guard and make you feel like your losing your mind--but your not alone.The bad thing is that even the anger passes but the heartache stays regardless of what stage your in. The more I read on CDH the more I learn about other "misformings" that can happen and it just seemes so unfair that a little hole can take our babies away when we have so much love and so many dreams for them.
I got a card from a good friend yesterday and it had a poem that helped me with a line I really like "for nothing loved is ever lost". I know Miles is not lost, and even when I'm angry I know he's where he was meant to be from the beginning, and he will always be loved so much.This we must accept.
Don't think of him as gone away--
his journey's just begun
life holds so many facets
this earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.
Think how he must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of him as living
in the hearts of those he touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost--
and he was loved so much. -E. Brenneman