More every day

Tommorow will be three weeks, each day seems to be getting harder right now...as everything goes back to "normal" I feel a little more empty. All we have left is a empty nursery, a few pictures, my post baby body, and hearts full of aching and love-but I know we will make it through and it has to get a little easier at some point. I've just finished reading Empty Arms, which I highly reccomend for anyone who has lost a baby, it has helped me immensly. I told someone the other day that I was doing "ok" and really what else are we suppose to do-we can't change it, so either we cope and try to move forward or wallow in the loss and let it consume us. On any given day I go back and forth a million times between wanting to do both, but then I think about my guys and realize I have two awesome blessings and need to do whats best for us as a family.

J.W. and I went to talk to the OB the other day and were able to get some answers as to what we face from here. As he put it the chance of it happening again is 2-3% which is "low" -but try telling parents who just lost a baby that, 2% might as well be 100% to us right now. He did point out that in ANY pregnancy there is a 2-3% chance of something going wrong....that covers all defects and losses. So to make a long visit short- if we decide to try again we will have a 2 in 100 chance of another cdh baby, but we will be sent to a specialist at 15 wks for a in depth sono to check the diaphram ect. and if something were to be wrong we'd go over options and make decisions before the 20th wk. The whole idea terrifies me right now...and although I know we're in no hurry to decide I wonder how in the world I could go through that 15 weeks without losing my mind.If something were to go wrong again how would we choose what's best for that child and for Owen. Each time the fear rises I try to think of Miles, he was so beautiful-looked just like Owen with J.W.'s dark hair and I am so proud and sad at the same time.I feel we made the best and only choice we could for him and I'm trying to have faith and pray that God will lead us peacefully down whatever roads we choose.